Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
