we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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