woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
