just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
