Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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