I wish I only lived at night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
