I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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