i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
