2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
