So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize