what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
