Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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