the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
