I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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