im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
