I am spending my child support on dildos
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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