1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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