Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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