Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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