I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My pussy is not your playground.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
