He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
