I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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