Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
