He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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