you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
