just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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