the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
