Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
