They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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