When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
