considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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