you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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