You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
