He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
