hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
