We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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