My sheets look like a crime scene.
where am i from again
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
