Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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