Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
