why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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