chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
