between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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