this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
