Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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