Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
