i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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