Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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