we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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