he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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