Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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