I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
