She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
