K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
