I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
