he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
