Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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