Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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