this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
