so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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